Ah. That clears it up.

Me: Why are the awkward guys with the unibrows always the most persistent?
Aaron: The oblivious and tenacious attributes are contained in the centermost eyebrow folicles.

Why I Love Matt

Matt Haggard via text during the State of the Union (after Obama said his wife had a program to tackle childhood obesity): "This is long. And I'm glad Michelle is going to tackle obese children."

Two Twilight-Related Quotes

1) From an article in Entertainment Weekly, I bring you this quote by Robert Pattinson.

(After Kristen Stewart explained that the studio wanted him to have hair down to his shoulders in Twilight) "So I told them, 'Look, that's just not going to happen.' I said, 'It looks like this already--I'll come to set like this." I sounds so stupid, but in a lot of ways the hair is 75 percent of my performance, so in the second one I said, 'Listen, I need to tone down the hair. Let's make it a little more real, a little bit more . . . Method.'"

2) From our pre-New Moon viewing of Twilight. It was the end, where Jacob is talking to Bella and then Edward kind of steps in jealously and they go to the prom.
Rayla: Territory marked!
Me (thoughtfully): It's probably good that it was the vampire who marked his territory though. If the werewolf was going to do it, he's probably just pee on her.

Arlo Guthrie

So I went to the Arlo Guthrie concert the other night, and this was my favorite bit of wisdom (although it probably wasn't the funniest thing he said. But I want it down somewhere.)
"People are always asking me to give them advice about songwriting. I tell them that songwriting is like fishing. There's a lot of waiting for a song to swim by. When one does, if you have a pen, you can write it down. If you don't, it swims on to the next songwriter. Like Bob Dylan. Once I wrote to Bob and said, 'Hey, just throw back some of the little ones to me!' He didn't think it was that funny. But yeah, my advice is, do whatever the hell you want - just don't sit downstream from Dylan."
How true that is.
I wish I could explain his interpretation of the story of Joseph in Egypt, but I'm sure I couldn't do it justice. Amazing though.

"Shhh, they'll hear us!"

"Excuse me, ma'am, that's my personal nipple." --Mike Shorten, in the public library

Story: We're in the library and Mike starts pretending he doesn't know me ("um, ma'am, stop holding my hand, I don't know you")--so I pinched him.

Self Esteem Stick

Whitney is in a self defense class this semester and they issued her a self defense stick to attach to her keychain. It is basically a long black stick that could cause some serious harm to an attacker.

I believe Megan slipped one night and called it Whitney's self esteem stick which then launched me into saying things like, "Oh! Let me hold it!" and "I feel SO much better about myself right now!" Then I handed it to Megan, she took it from me and I said, "Do you like yourself more now? Because I like myself a little less."

Diversity

So the other day Whitney discovered that a horrible mistake had been made and she wasn't registered as a double major in German and English. Instead, they had her down for grad school with a primary emphasis in German Studies as well as a secondary emphasis in German Studies.
Me: Well, Whitney, that's very diverse of you.
Whitney: Oh yes, I'm very diverse. I can study the same thing primarily and secondarily.

Gracie Holland (age 6): "This game is taking forever!"
Mattie Benfell: "Your pessimism isn't exactly helping."
Gracie: "Your face isn't exactly helping."

hahahahaha.

[playing a game]
Dafni: Mom, it's your turn.
My dad: No no no, hold on a second! I'm trying to figure out a way to snatch victory out of the jaws of... delayed victory!

I just remembered this from a while ago, but it proves even further my theory that I am, infact, the closest to a man in our apartment.

I walked up to the front desk at the UVU student center to ask where my ice skating class was. The receptionist was busy at her desk.

She says, "Can I help you, sir?"
I wait a little bit, looking around to see if there is a man around. Nope.
I say, "uh..."
She looks up, and says just as unenthusiastically, "...Ma'am..."

I guess I was wearing a sweatshirt, but common! You can still see my shapes and make-up'd face! Sigh.

So soon?

So I was doing a little cursory research on Richard the Lionheart for my Poli Sci paper, and I learned the following:

"Richard spent 33 years in purgatory as expiation for his sins, eventually ascending to heaven in March 1232."

Good on you Richard. I'm glad you finally made it.

We were doing an extremely hard puzzle with Jeff's family, and we were frustrated. Jeff's youngest sister who is pretty much the brightest, wittiest 14 year old I know, being a master of difficult sudokus, and has read any book you can name, hadn't joined in yet. She finally broke down and said, "Well, maybe I'm a puzzle genius." and sat down and started to help us out.

I think Rosie has a pretty good philosophy. You never know if you are a genius at something until you try it. Have you discovered if there is a puzzle genius inside you?

The Wonderful Land of Oz

Oz is Australia. Did you know? Craziness. Anyway, my friend Christy has been staying at my house for the last two weeks and it has been fun. It's like being in college again. Late night runs for food that is unhealthy, staying up past our bedtimes, watching silly tv shows. Tres marvy and fab.

So we went to Taco Bell the other day. This marks the 2nd time Christy has experienced Taco Bell. The first time she got a double decker taco (which is always a good idea) and a burrito. At that time I had to explain to her what a burrito was. Awesome. This time, she looked at the menu and asked for the taco thing she got last time. Then she paused and said, "What's a burrito again?"

This caused me to laugh a lot. It was an honest question, but so funny in terms of having grown up in America and being very familiar with what a burrito is.

Crap! Where's My Pea?

I just returned from an amazing adventure in Virginia! I met a ton of really cool people and got to see lots of amazing sites in Washington DC. While out to ice cream one night, Darren Jackson was telling stories about his 14 year old brother who is fittingly named Brenton. He is basically a heart throb and all the girls scream when he even enters a room. If I were younger I would want to marry him!!! At dinner on Sunday Brenton was eating and out of the blue yelled: Crap! Where's my pea?
I thought it was hilarious!

PS Miri and Megan-remember "Blind Date Billy" yep the very same Darren Jackson:)

Um, what?

Sitting in our room in the London Centre, me reading blogs, Cami putting on lotion.
Cami: Megan, I don't remember how old I am!
Me: . . .

I don't know why, but this made me laugh a lot. Inside though. I didn't want to be callous.

TB

We were in the car and we were listening to an oompa loompa song and there's a line that says "what do you get when you guzzle down sweets?" and I sang "what do you get when you guzzle down streets?"

Then I said, what WOULD you get if you guzzled down streets? Probably tuberculosis.



Is it still funny? haha. To me it is. I was a little loopy though.

Dave is Crazy!!

First of all I would like to point out that this is my first time contributing to the virtual quote wall and I am super excited!

This comes from Dave, the crazy eccentric manager of the Belmont Apartments. After simply asking him when our new air conditioner would be installed, he proceeded to talk to me for 45 minutes about random things. Two of my favorites were lines were:

"I have never felt the spirit so damn strong in my life, so I marched right down there to those Sons of B's and told them what for!"

"Putting the polar bears on the endangered species list is a communist ploy to turn America into a socialist society."

Slip Slidin' Away...

Conversation during this weekend's spontaneous slip and slide adventure at my house.
Steve: This time I'm going to slide on one buttock.
Jennie: How does one distinguish between buttocks?
[Awkward pause]
Steve: Well, you may not have noticed, but there's a chasm between the two. . .

I'm pretty sure there was something else I was going to post from that night, but alas, I do not remember. If anyone does, please comment and remind me.

Jennie is not a man

After spending Miri's wedding day on our feet - Jennie and Megan in tres cute wedges and I in red flats, I noticed that my feet hurt, specifically my heels - because in flats, that's where all the pressure was going.

L: The heels of my feet hurt. I've been walking on my heels all day.
Jennie: My feet hurt, too. I've been walking on my balls all day.

Poop.

Mike [feeling carsick]: Ugh, I feel sick.

Miri [trying to distract him]: Look at all that poop smeared on the window.

Mike: Don't talk about poop!

Miri [trying again to distract him]: Look! Small children!

Mike: They're even worse than poop! They're like, the pure essence of poop!

It had to happen eventually.

We were talking about how the most seductive scene in all of Disney is in The Lion King. I don't know why, but everyone seemed to agree except those of us who are pure and innocent. Jeff said he'd never seen it that way and I sarcastically asked Jeff where his mind had been. Someone said something about it not being in the gutter and then . . .
Steve: "What gutter? It's right there. It's like watching a sex scene and saying, 'What's the big deal? It's just some social interaction!'"

I want to go read my blog again. I'm so funny! I wish someone else was as funny as me so I could read their blog. --Mike FancyPants Shorten

PizzAmore!

Megan: I wish there were playful men in my oven!

Hurrah for 8th Grade

8th Grade Student: [in regards to the teacher's leather jacket] I'm pretty sure we're doing them [cows] a favor. 'Cause they're ugly.

Lili: Jennie, let me see your bellybutton for medical reasons.

She's Back!

Jennie: Lili is sooo funny, you'll pee your pants.
Whitney: Well, I will be prepared to wash my clothes often.

Mike: I have a friend who doesn't like fruit. He lives on [mumble mumble]
Miri: He lives on Mount Doom? ... Oh. He lives on Mountain Dew.
Mike: [laughing a lot]